Dear Amy: I am a 41 year old male. my wife is 34 years old.
We have been married for 15 years. We have her 2 children, her 14 year old and her 8 year old.
Our marriage was difficult because of PTSD and opioid addiction, mostly from Iraq.
I was an avoidant parent.
My wife stuck with me all this time, but 18 months ago she confessed to a short-lived affair.
we decided to settle. Since then, I have changed as far as I avoid and she has changed and put in a lot of effort, but I am so affected by her cheating that I tend to get stuck and not get angry or sad. I have a hard time getting through the day.
I know I was the worst husband. She wasn’t her perfect either, but all this crushing about her getting out of that her marriage.
I’m trying to forgive, she’s working hard on everything, but I still often feel very empty and lonely and angry.
After about 14 months of counseling, I feel that I need to find my own healing, not just marriage.
I think it is very difficult. Any advice?
Dear J: You are presenting objectively your own challenges and the devastating impact on your family over the years. Your wife has been by your side throughout this ordeal. She doesn’t seem to blame you for your own extreme challenges, and you seem to be trying too hard not to blame her.
You definitely need healing – for you. Although I did not mention the treatment I received for PTSD, I strongly recommend starting, continuing, or resuming treatment. Ideally, this includes talk therapy with a counselor trained in working with military personnel. Loneliness, emptiness, sadness, loneliness, and especially anger are all sequelae of PTSD, and private and group counseling with other veterans can help you continue to heal.
I hope you will see this healing as your process. And it takes time.
You look like a ferocious and resilient survivor to me. I hope you can learn to see yourself that way too.
You can connect to local services for veterans through your VA. You can also get immediate help by dialing 988 and pressing 1 to contact the Veterans Crisis Line. A counselor will guide you through the process of finding the best support for you.
(Veterans can continue to contact the Veterans Crisis Line by pressing 1 on the old phone number: 800-273-8255 or texting 838255 and using the website chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net/Chat. can).
Dear Amy: I am a middle aged man. His wife and I are very close and co-parent our three children.
Outside of work and family life, my wife keeps busy with friends and the occasional pickleball game. She seems to be thriving.
myself? Not really.
I do not know what to do for. My friend and I don’t seem to get along with each other the way my wife and her friends do.
I’m looking for ideas to enrich my life.
– In middle-aged Blahs
Dear Blahs: Whether alone or in a group, I prescribe regular exercise. Check our posts on social media.
There’s a reason pickleballs are all the rage. Fun and fairly easy to play. With the right group that avoids excessive competition, your heart will race without stress.
You and your wife may not be able to play mixed doubles because of parenting, but you should consider whether this sport can help keep you out of boredom.
Dear Amy: Many years ago, about a month after my father retired (when we were all sitting at the dinner table), in response to my “controlled husband,” my mother said: rice field. But not lunch.
I want you to go to your studio (he was an artist) at least 4 hours a day. I don’t care what you do there Read paper, draw pictures, flirt. anything. Get out of the kitchen. ”
– favorite daughter
Dear Daughter: I feel sorry for this retired man. His wife insisted she was out of her house most of the day. Her mother’s message was well received and I think she found it useful.
©2023 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
https://www.mcall.com/2023/02/03/ask-amy-traumatized-veteran-seeks-healing-2/ Trauma Veterans Seek Healing – The Morning Call